How to balance being a people pleaser and having boundaries

Many of us struggle with boundaries, but people pleasers can have an especially difficult time. Whether or not you struggle with anxiety, depression, or have an eating disorder, boundaries can be tough for anyone. For someone who is used to putting their needs on hold for others, a people pleaser often struggles to figure out how to maintain a boundary if it means the other person will be unhappy. Here are some helpful points to keep in mind.

1.     Pause. Sometimes people pleasing comes out before you’re even aware you’re doing it. Take a minute to decide how to answer. A boundary doesn’t have to be an all or nothing statement. A simple “No I am not able to right now but let me get back to you” can feel like a way to revisit the conversation if you so choose.

2.     Having a boundary may feel uncomfortable, but that’s okay! You know what else is uncomfortable? Saying yes and agreeing to things that you don’t want to do. Choose your discomfort.

3.     Remind yourself that you’re not responsible for the other persons feelings. If someone doesn’t like the boundary you’ve put in place, you don’t have to fix it, apologize, or feel responsible for their emotion. Let them work out their internal feelings on their own. Their emotional weight doesn’t have to be yours.

4.     Less is more. You don’t have to overexplain your boundary. A simple no is a complete sentence.  You can practice this with your therapist.

5.     Get curious about your people pleasing tendencies. Do you feel like you’re disappointing others? Do you not care about your own needs? Do you feel like saying yes is your only option? (I know you said yes to all of these). Sometimes figuring out why you people please can help you make some changes around it. Therapy can help with this.

6.     Keep working on it. Boundaries aren’t easy. You’re not going to get it right every time. If you set one boundary for yourself this year, that’s amazing!

Boundaries aren’t always easy, but they’re usually worth it. Setting a boundary is self-care, not selfish. You deserve the chance to see if you can make your life better by practicing something new and different.